I should be writing this post to you from a café in New York.
Ideally with an iced latte next to me – probably a lavender one or maybe even a nice earthy matcha.
I’d be seated near a large window with skyline views for prime writing inspiration. If I had to, I’d settle for ground views of the fast-paced local folks. Probably on their way to work, brunch or a fitness class. I’m certain that I’d spot a jaywalker or twenty.
The reality of it is that I’m writing this post to you from my bed under the covers. Kip’s even curled up at my feet. My latte on the nightstand is from our own Nespresso machine. It’s neither lavender or matcha, although it was sweetly hand delivered by my husband from the kitchen to our room.
New York City was going to be Ben and I’s five year wedding anniversary trip.
Our plan was to leave on a Tuesday morning flight and come home mid day on Sunday. Most of our itinerary included eating and drinking our way through New York City. Ben’s been scouring Reels and TikTok for spots to go. I had plans of purchasing a nice designer bag on Fifth Ave while we were there. My biggest to-do was to find a few spots serving up a stellar brunch spread and rooftop bars with can’t miss skyline views.
I’m sure we would have spent a day enjoying some of the infamous NYC tourist traps: Time Square, the Empire State Building, maybe even ice skating at Rockefeller Center. I was really looking forward to it, even the touristy pieces.
It’s still crazy to me that our plan unraveled the way it did.
This past Sunday night I got home after hosting my sister‘s bridal shower and enjoying a few drinks out in Dunedin. Everything was routine and the next day was going to be focused on packing and straightening up the house before we had to leave for New York. At best I’d be able to fit in a last minute nail appointment and hit the mall to buy some warmer clothes for what I knew would be a chilly trip to the city.
I plopped on our pouf in our living room for a minute of recollection. While I sunk into the beans of the chair I realized how utterly exhausted my body and mind felt. Even the thought of physically getting up to move and start working through cleaning up the house was overwhelming. I don’t even know how long I just sat there trying to figure out how to motivate myself to get up. It must’ve been an hour or two before Ben and I finally said “am I even able to handle a vacation like New York right now?”
For the past six months I’ve been operating with such a high level of stress.
While it hasn’t always been directly noticeable to me, others are seeing the toll it’s taking. I’ve been on auto pilot most days at my job and in every day life. It’s been a lot of going through the motions and to-dos without taking a second to really do anything for myself. I think the expression would be that I’m not doing anything to “fill my cup”.
It took a touch base with my boss and her asking me when the last time was that I really took some time off for myself – a full week even. That is to truly disconnect and not even think about emails, calendar appointments, etc. I didn’t even know the answer.
I hung up from my Teams call with her and just started bawling. Immediately Ben and I started thinking up places that we could go together for some time off.
New York is somewhere I always told Ben I thought we should go together.
Naturally it felt like the right first choice for this vacation.
What I realized on Sunday night was that my biggest fear would be spending five busy and sleepless nights in New York only to come back more exhausted on Sunday. I’d have Monday to recoup then Tuesday I’d be right back into the thick of it. There’d be no downtime for me to mellow out.
I’d love more than anything to visit the land of bright lights and dreams all while pretending I’m living out my own alter life of moving to the big city and becoming a writer. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem like the time for it right now. I want to go to New York and embrace it, not feel overwhelmed by the thought of it. With that, I’ll be saving NYC for a birthday trip next February.
The better part of this week off has been me taking it slow.
I have signed onto my work to button up very tiny things that needed to get done before I could fully disconnect. With that past me though, I’m ready to focus on the rest of the week.
Slow time at home has been great, but I’m ready to get this PTO on the go. Minutes ago, Ben and I booked a trip to Asheville, North Carolina. I’m excited and somewhat relieved to be going somewhere with a little more laid back vibe. Asheville is incredibly dog friendly too, so Nash and Kip will be tagging along.
Mountain views and time with nature might be exactly what my mind and body need.