It’s very unsettling to wake up one day as a 32 year old and immediately roll right into an identity crisis.
As soon as I opened my eyes to the new day I was off and running with pings of uncertainty within my brain. What am I doing with my life? Do I even like this Amazon loungewear set? Am I on the right career path? Are my morning routines really even mine? Maybe it’s time to chop my hair off for summer? Bizarre. Life could at least pour me a cup of coffee first.
It wasn’t long before I was in tears falling into a state of overanalyzing every life decision I’ve ever made. Right down to even starting a blog.
Heck, I know there are worse things to wake up to in life than this. I also know I’m lucky enough to wake up with a roof over my head, a husband that I love very much and two dogs that practically never leave my side. Why did second-guessing my morning routine even matter so much in this very moment?
I’ve struggled a lot lately with not feeling like I’ve had “control” over my life.
It feels like decisions were made for me, or I sort of fell into them. One might say you’re where you’re meant to be. But lately I look at it and say what if my life is not how I pictured it’d be?
Part of me wonders if blogging and influencing was ever really my future or if I just fell into it. I’ve always loved writing. I won a writing award in fifth grade (important defining moments ok) which is something I think about often. My mom always thought that I’d write for a magazine one day. Meanwhile, I was actually infatuated with the idea of becoming a veterinarian since I loved animals so much. Could I handle such a job emotionally? Probably not. The thought of losing my own pups shakes me to my core daily; however, it’s the earliest career choice that I can remember ever considering at a very young age. More importantly it was one that I had considered on my own.
Writing was always a love of mine though, I know that for fact. Conversational sentence crafting is something I consider fun. I’m a Pisces after all and creative outlets are a MUST. Writing was one of those things that was always there for me – through a diary, long Myspace notes, Xanga entries, you name it. One of my favorite feelings is hitting publish on a blog post that shares what I’m feeling in the moment. It always feels like one big exhale.
So, why do I feel so bogged down in scheduling out content for other platforms when my real love is truly right here? I always seem to end up coming back here claiming my love for writing again.
All that to say In the world of influencing and blogging – I’ve found a lot of uncertainty lately.
Thoughts of “what if I never started a blog” definitely linger. It’s scary to even type that because this journey has taken up so much of my life.
Like a lot of influencers, my world is influenced by those that I follow. Between the real and aesthetic, I’ve found answers to a number of things. From how I think days in my life should look, what styles I should wear, right down to what I should top my cottage cheese with. The thing that’s been on my mind though is that it’s almost like I didn’t live my life without influence before I started influencing and blogging about how people should live theirs. Not to discredit myself, but isn’t that quite a conundrum to think about?
I know good and well that if I didn’t want to do something I simply wouldn’t.
I’m stubborn in that way. I also wouldn’t share products or places I didn’t believe in. I really am honing in on more of the day to day decisions. Would I have really ever tried almond milk without having someone on the internet tell me I should first? I guess I’ll never really know.
In the same breath, I actually like almond milk so it was obviously a happy discovery nonetheless.
Where is the refresh and clear cache button here? I think I have to find it within me to take that steering wheel to my own life and live it intently. Or at least as best I can without the perpetuation of how I think it should be because I saw someone successful (or so I thought) doing it one way.
That’s the beauty of life right?
Maybe it doesn’t always let you have your cup of coffee first before it comes in swinging with what-if’s and who am I’s, but it at least allows you the opportunity to start over. Start fresh.
On any given day you can decide you don’t want this anymore and make the changes necessary to work towards the life you want to create. And then of course share it online with your friends.
Here are some ways I plan to clear the cache and start fresh:
+ Organize and clean up my space in a way that makes sense for me. Sure, it’s fun to look up how others organize spaces like their nightstands, but what makes the most sense in my nightstands for me? I recently went through this process with my desk and it was honestly such a mental relief. Now I have things in it that I actually use, rather than items I just thought should be in there.
+ Refocus on dedicating time to blog posts – let’s aim for once per week. If it’s more than that, great.
+ Deprioritize other platforms and only post to them once per day, at least for now until I feel like my blog is in a good spot.
+ Handle outstanding Revolve and Amazon returns – silly to include here, but note to self: I need to get this done LOL.
+ Purge my closet (why does this all sound like a spring cleaning project?). Only keep what feels like “me”.
+ House projects house projects house projects. Ben and I need to start somewhere. It blows my mind that we’ve been here for five years and practically haven’t touched a single thing. I need the space to feel more like me (us?). Right now it simply doesn’t.
