I hate to admit it, but I haven’t felt like myself lately. The routines I usually thrive in are messed up. I wake up some mornings and feel extremely motivated, while others I wonder what I’m going to do in order to seize the day. My initial expectation of quarantine life was that I would have more time to do the things that I never get to make enough time for.
Don’t get me wrong – that intention held true in the beginning stages. I stayed busy dedicating my newly found free time to more workouts, blog to-dos, etc. With so much extra time and nowhere to be it only made sense to flourish in the activities that I already passionately loved doing. Especially those that usually seem to be squeezed into an already busy schedule.
As quarantine has gone on, I’ve found myself struggling with too much free time. It’s hysterically overwhelming in a way. I feel completely paralyzed by that fact that there’s so much that COULD be done. With time no longer an issue what’s the hold up? Why can’t I get to the vlogs that I “never have time to edit” or the blog posts that I thought I would “finally have time to write”? It’s mentally exhausting to think through. I’m struggling to find a breakthrough point to get started on to-dos or the motivation to even carry them through. Most days lately when it comes to social media I’m just happy to get a post up on my Instagram feed.
Maybe it’s a dose of reality or just a slap in the face that time isn’t the only luxury I need more of. I hate that it’s taking a pandemic for me to see that. My expectation going into quarantine probably shouldn’t have been to be productive 24/7. I’m sitting here with more time than I know what to do with and it’s a struggle to even get a blog post fully written without getting cold feet.
The world is a strange and scary place right now, sure, and I hate feeling mentally held back from doing the things that I love doing. Part of me wonders if I should have taken more time to process what this all was going to mean for life as I knew it before assuming that I could go on with my day to day life as scheduled.
Not physically seeing your family or friends. Not going out when you’re used to spending weekends at bars and restaurants. Having to think twice about an activity that’s as simple as going to your local grocery store. This shift really takes a toll on ya.
I know that the state of our lives right now is what we make it. Staying safe at home is for the greater good and it’s how we’ll beat this thing. I stand by that and it’s absolutely what we need to do.
Nobody is saying I HAVE to be productive while I’m home and nobody is saying that I HAVE to take downtime for myself. I believe finding time for both right now is necessary for me. And that, my friends is likely the exact expectation that I should have gone into quarantine with. Instead I’m sitting here realizing it now.
If you’re feeling a little out of sorts these days, just know I’m right there with you. I’m ready for concerts, and drinks at rooftop bars, and nights with friends, and traveling somewhere new, and the warmth of family gatherings, and date nights out, and beach days spent on the sand in that ridiculously hot Florida sun. I know we’ll get it all back eventually, we just have to get there.